tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post9134033174903535895..comments2023-11-03T05:48:15.127-07:00Comments on Ancient Musings: New Chapter ExcerptUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post-70157186806299539882008-04-26T10:58:00.000-07:002008-04-26T10:58:00.000-07:00Thanks for the feedback, Carla! I appreciate every...Thanks for the feedback, Carla! I appreciate everyone's honesty and suggestions. In the future I'll try to be more careful with POV! :)Meghanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03375626649089998707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post-21459297258157247082008-04-25T04:40:00.000-07:002008-04-25T04:40:00.000-07:00I second Constance's comment, as I got lost at the...I second Constance's comment, as I got lost at the same place and for the same reason. "Xerxes had had to hurry...." would have been easier for me to follow because it would have been clear that it referred to the earlier episode. When I first read it, I understood that it was Artabanus thinking, but I thought it meant he (Artabanus) had just remembered he had to hurry somewhere in the here and now.<BR/><BR/>I'm used to italics as internal thoughts, so I had no problem with them.<BR/><BR/>Neat ending - who's Megabysus and why is he worse? I'd read on :-)Carlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11901028520813891575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post-62662190164258988652008-04-05T16:39:00.000-07:002008-04-05T16:39:00.000-07:00It's not a change of pov at all. It's Artabanus re...It's not a change of pov at all. It's Artabanus remembering how Xerxes left Babylon in a hurry. Maybe I should put HAD let? <BR/><BR/>Italics are internal thoughts. It's something Robert Jordan and George RR Martin do quite a bit. However, confusion duely noted and suggestions on how to clarify are always appreciated. :) <BR/><BR/>And I love this era too. It's so interesting! Fact is always stranger than fiction, so I hope more movies/shows come out about the subject.Meghanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03375626649089998707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post-20949293712886311022008-04-05T08:45:00.000-07:002008-04-05T08:45:00.000-07:00I think this is where Wynn means: 'But by the end ...I think this is where Wynn means: 'But by the end of that year the king's life was spent, and Xerxes left Babylon grim-faced and determined, riding hard and fast towards the south to take up the crown of Persia.<BR/><BR/><I>He had to hurry. Prince Artobazus was pressing his claim.</I> '<BR/><BR/>this is where I got lost, and had to reread the above several times to figure out where I was. <BR/><BR/>I liked this paragraph, because it helped me picture what was going on, the contast between the royals and the citizens around the temple. You could play that up even more if you wanted<BR/><BR/> -'A servant held a fringed parasol over his head to protect him from the blazing noonday sun, another fanned him with ostrich feathers, and yet another stood by with a silver tray holding a goblet brimming with chilled wine in case he felt thirsty from the heat, yet he felt cold. He also felt restless, and instead of sitting at one of the couches laid in a circle nearby he stood along the garden's southern wall.'<BR/><BR/>You're writing in one of my favorite eras! I even have a Xerxes' Canal/engineer short story. :PConstance Brewerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17964121072645959593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post-22394963626313911872008-04-04T09:33:00.000-07:002008-04-04T09:33:00.000-07:00Thanks Wynn! That means a lot coming from you. I'l...Thanks Wynn! That means a lot coming from you. I'll fiddle with the paragraphs and break them down a bit more (remember it's a first draft! first draft!)Meghanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03375626649089998707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26808953.post-81031903240571513752008-04-04T00:05:00.000-07:002008-04-04T00:05:00.000-07:00Ah yes, this is such an interesting part of histor...Ah yes, this is such an interesting part of history, isn't it? I also researched a lot about the ancient Persians, Babylon etc for my novel though mine takes place a bit later. I think you captured the setting very well.<BR/><BR/>A couple of small editing tips. Break down that long first paragraph to make it an easier read. For one thing, put lines of dialoge or internal thoughts on seperate indented lines. <BR/><BR/>I'll have to reread this. Did I detect a switch in point of view?<BR/><BR/>From one historical writer to another, Well done!Wynn Bextonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08606284153866696343noreply@blogger.com